Have you ever wanted to die?
Quietly slipping away, coming out of your body and watching the earth go through her rotations. Flying and traveling through the stars, drinking the galaxies and holding the suns.
I perceive death to be more exciting than what I think the reality is. When the body breathes its last breath, and when the brain fires its last spark of chemical electricity, there is nothing left. There is no grand flight through time. There is no greater consciousness to meet.
… But what if there were to be a second life? A new journey? That’s what I keep hoping.
Thinking about death is calming, but it’s also why I love living so much.
I don’t remember how this dream started, only that it was serious enough for me to leave home.
In fact, I was so far away from home I was on another planet. I remember walking up these huge, silver stairs and walking out to a balcony. I looked out into the darkness, gripped the railing, and felt my stomach drop below my feet. I started shaking and trembling. Then I started crying.
But not the kind of crying where tears are silently rolling down your cheeks. The kind of crying where your whole body crumples into itself, and your heart clenches, and you try to gasp for air but you can’t, your mouth just hangs open in a silent scream.
As I was crying and wailing, “I need my boyfriend, I need to be with him,” all the creatures of the city turned up and stared at me sympathetically. They weren’t frightening, in fact they were kind of fantastic looking. All they could do was stare.
The god of the planet came to me and told me there was only one way I would be able to return to my boyfriend again. I could either stay on this planet, or I could go back in time to my first year of high school, with all the memories that I have, and re-live my life. I chose going back in time in hopes of finding him and starting our relationship again.
Then I woke up.
You know what’s one of the most terrifying mental images? A square room with a green carpet and walls with a white picket fence, blue sky, and white clouds painted on them. There’s only one window, no doors, and it’s dark outside.
That’s really scary to me.
So I’ll be home in 20 days and I just got super excited because I’ll be able to light incense again.
Holy shit I love incense.
And I’ll be able to drive anywhere. I can paint in the sunny park. I can have picnics. I can go to concerts. I can ride horses again.
My summertime, only 20 days away.
I just want to have you stroke my hair. I want to bury my face into your chest. I want you to hold me. I want you to rub my back. I want you to kiss the top of my head and whisper sweet everythings to me. I want a lot of things, but mostly I want you.
I wanna cuddle with you. In this blanket. Watching this movie. At this place.
Eyes shielded and suspicious hands. Clawing, tearing, ripping. Stripping soft velvet from wire. Molding into a cold plastic which everyone approved. It’s for them, not you.
I think that we’re good and we’re right and we’ve gotta stay in the fight.
I feel that I will always be tied to you. The ties may tangle and strain, but they will never break. Not even time will rust them, for like green trees they strengthen with age. I have the key to unlock the ties and let us loose. I have the power to choose others. But I do not want that, not tonight and not even when the sun rises again. I want you and I have you. I will always be tied to you.
Pretty boring, and mostly for myself.
I long for solitude and separation.
I long for peace and comfort.
I long for winter and snow.
I long for rest.
I long for a kiss.
I long for you.
Why is health food so goddamn expensive? I’ve been craving some fresh citrus, herb bread, and apple butter for the past couple days. Of course there’s plenty more healthy foods that I crave (like avocado oh man), but it’s too expensive to buy every week.
I just want some damn apple butter on herb bread.
I remember a very cold, icy kiss on top of a mountain. I remember when we fell asleep watching the third “Lord of the Rings”, and I woke up with you wrapped around me.
October is going to be hard.
We’re halfway there. It’s the long haul. We can do this.